welcome

this is where you'll learn i'm insufferable and obnoxious

03.09.2023

i hate myself such an unexplainably disgustingly huge amount and at this point, i cannot imagine interacting with almost anyone and having it end up ok. everyone that has commented has been so very nice and i hope everyone has a great day. i hope i can feel well soon.

02.10.2023

trying to figure out exactly what type of 'journal' entries i want to share on here. i write a lot to myself (mainly about my feelings) so before i launched my site, i figured i would be posting those, especially because sometimes i read my past entries and wished that there was anyone that could read and sympathize with me. but i didn't know anyone was actually going to see my site much less interact with it and even follow it. it's kind of validating since i've never made a real attempt to try and sincerely exist to other people, but it also makes my anxiety riddled self freeze before i can even act. it's something i've been trying to figure out for the past few weeks now… and i'm coming to the conclusion that the best way to find out is to just post different stuff and see how i feel about it. i created my site to exist as honestly and genuinely as i could as myself but i guess it doesn't change the fact that i'm still apprehensive about being 'perceived'. that in itself is frustrating to me because i know it's stupid for multiple reasons, but i guess it's hard to get your feelings and thoughts to align!!

anyway some random thoughts that have been filling up my being lately:

- korean rage, "hwabyung", and generational trauma 02/12
- a lot of sorrow and personal mourning + untangling about how i feel like i'm sacrificing my life for my family
- realizing i can't stand to stay in this country for the rest of my life
- mentally flipping through 1000 different ways to create a 2nd stream of income
- wondering where my desire to create went, and wondering where the sadness about it leaving is too
- lay offs, the economy, my job, and how it's been frustratingly challenging
- dealing with covid ☹

obligatory ty (yes YOU!) for reading this or any other part of my site. i think it's funny 'thank you's seem so transparent and meaningless when i read them even though i really mean it when i thank someone like this. it's a small, brief moment of interaction that goes beyond typical 'sequential' timelines and it's very cool that the interaction happens at all. me speaking it out loud to anyone that is here to notice it and you reading it. in that sense it's impossible for me to pretend like i will be posting these solely for myself. but still. it really means a lot to me that you are processing anything i am posting (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

01.??.2023

i am hyperconscious of the fact that the internet is forever

it's kind of debilitating?

02.19.2021

it's been one year since you've been gone. time flies so fast... it feels like it hasn't been any time at all. the year gone is so sure of itself... it doesn't leave any room to doubt... it's been a strange year, i guess. maybe it'd feel better if it was a normal year? maybe not. i don't know. maybe it'd feel different.

when you died i wanted to do all these things. i wanted to write letters to you every day, record vlogs... just somehow note down what i did that day every single day because of the realization that life just zooms past you and before you know it, you're left with one or two memories of the past. i wanted to remember the chia pudding attempt... i want to remember the day i went to the market. .. i want to remember all these small things... but i never got around to it. i don't know why.

death is so weird. it still messes me up so much, the idea that you're gone.. FOREVER. just like that. with not even the slightest idea of being gentle or fair, you were taken from us. you're missed here. or at least to me you are. sometimes your absence is huge... despite your probably not being here most of the time if you had stayed. in that sense i guess you were very happy to leave huh? you did seem sort of eager to leave. all you would do here is be tired anyway. i can't blame you. i'm still so thankful. thank you so much for what you did for us.

my only regret is... not being able to see more beautiful things with you... that's a lie. i have so many regrets... so many... but if you would come back now there's nothing more i'd want to do than go around and see all the beautiful things all together, all 5 of us. and ███ of course. we don't need to talk about anything... just marvel in beauty together.. in silence... in the comfort and the happiness we would know from being all together in a moment we could appreciate.

i miss you and i will always love you even when the universe crushes in on itself. i hope you're doing well, so well it makes everyone jealous to their stomachs. you deserve it if no one else.

03.31 all the tiny things you remember about people you were close to... they are so, so special... like little bits of treasures in a beach of sand... i've never realized how much they mean to me.

07.17.2023

some updates;

i cried opening the first page of the elden ring zine a dad made with his young daughter. i kept the disposable chopsticks the hispanic chef handed me (being asian) with a smile at the cafe across the street. i can't stop thinking that my mom is such a huge disappointment to me. sometimes i think we should have never brought our dog home, i feel bad that he's under care with my family. i can't help but harbor feelings of contempt for almost everyone, but i hate myself the most because i can't seem to stop these feelings. i turned the lights off in the empty kitchen and i felt human for a split second.

also i finished elden ring (and i will never see video games the same way again)

05.10.2023

today's shopping list: $5,000 thank you(s) and a visceral look of unadulterated pain on someone you love that is heinously priceless. it makes me want to dry heave and sob thinking about my grandpa's face when he hugged my mom and said goodbye to her at the airport 5 years ago. i remember writing about it somewhere, about how i had never seen such a clear display of raw pain, regret, and sadness before, how almost childlike it looked. i was the only one that caught sight of it. to think that's the last face to face interaction my mom would have had with her dad. the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach. the next domino in the end setup, the part two to the ment i wrote about my grandparent's bedroom in my photos page. i hope my grandpa can rest happily and peacefully.

05.05.2023

i had 4 strawberries, pistachios, and dried dates for dinner while watching tv happily in dim lighting (pic not related).

seeing color in my life in ways i had never seen before. you'll never be at a point in your life where you know everything there is to know, felt everything there is to feel. i think that can be a good enough reason to keep going. i felt the vibrations of love the universe sent me today. a bottle of magnesium glycinate is $32.82, which is a small price to pay for a bite of peace in your life, placebo or not.

04.30.2023

i watched an ep of you quiz today where the guest was a movie reviewer, i missed his name. it was a standard thought he said but something about the way he mentioned how even shitty movies have their moments of merit filled me up with a flash of emotion and joy. i like to remember how there's a learning moment from everything you consume and it makes me smile. human connections in broad, broad strokes. i'm slowly, brick by brick, trying to get to the core of why i feel such despair and suicidal tendencies. i waver back and forth between feeling like it's all a lost cause and feeling like there are still some things worth giving a shot. good food, good art, good music. life can be simple if you allow it to be. i'm trying to make it my mantra. maybe if i repeat it enough times i'll hammer it into my brain and be able to wash all of my painful disappointments and aches away.

04.25.2023

i spent $12 on cookie run today. it's my first time putting money into a mobile game. if you, by chance, are also an avid cookie run kingdom player, i encourage you to add me (and even join my guild, which is very inactive bar me, E, and my favorite guildmate n*t). i log in multiple times a day every day. i am 쮸쓰 in the HB server.

04.13.2023

going to refocus and reattempt (like a real, committed attempt) into diving deeply into the things that make me happy. seeing, learning, understanding, creating... things will be okay

04.07.2023

i feel like i have to preface this with this is not some weird, stupid, unhinged cry for attention/help or anything, this place is just my little house where i talk about my feelings to myself and so i am just doing that matter of factly. reflecting. anyway moving forward,

it's such a weird, dull kind of pain to feel suicidal at this age in my life, mimicking the same feelings i had when i was just... 13+ or whatever. in some ways it's almost shameful, like despite all of the effort i have put into years and years and years of my life to move on from these feelings i guess it was all in vain. i've always felt like 'pathetic' is such a potent insult (as simple of a word that is) but it feels like a pretty wellrounded word to describe my existence to myself lately.

03.26.2023

if i were to be perfectly honest with myself (nd you i guess if someones reading this) i can feel the deep sadness and stagnated depression living neatly in every inch of my being, all the way down to the tips of my fingers. it exists like it's a part of me now, content with what it is and so sure of itself to the point i'd almost be okay with it if it didn't make me feel like sobbing any second i break my autopilot function.

some goods...
- i love all the goods 5 got me from sanrio. it's so fun there i want to drop by semifrequently.
- the second package from B should be coming quicker than we thought
- E is so cute. i love her little mannerisms and the way she says things. she's so squishy and goofy.
- i bought myself a nice pair of lounge pants... i'm excited for them to come in and i hope to god they fit the way i'm envisioning.
- realized i've saved a notable amount above my student debt total...

almost everything on today's list is material stuff, huh? sometimes it's just like that.

i'm trying to practice functioning again. i have a new set of nails and i use toner every night before i go to bed, after i wash my face. i like the way i open my skincare with my nails again.

i'm trying not to go into detail about the bads and give them any more attention than i need to but they're just burrowing in my brain...

some things i'd like to look forward to...
- updating my site soon and adding a couple of new pages!
- thinking about uploading silly photos elsewhere on the web...
- i want to make garments soon ( •̀ - •́ )
- finding new josei manga to pick up. i miss reading josei so so badly. i miss the feeling of being captured within a world and a femlead's motivations, thoughts, and feelings. reading manga on the phone has become just slightly inconvenient enough for me where i've stopped in the last couple of years but i should start picking at mal's top josei filter again. i'd be very open to recommendations but 1.) idk if anyone sees these and 2.) i nuked (albeit temporarily) all ways to contact me on the site lol

03.22.2023

it feels like all i do is sleep and wake up and eat and work and sleep and eat and work and slee

kind of a struggle to find things to live for lately is the general... subconscious.. mood..
i feel like i'm going to deteriorate, die, decompost, and disappear all inside this room

03.19.2023

it was warm today. i'll be sad to see the rain and cold weather leave.

i feel a little better lately. i don't really know what brought it on but i'm thankful that it's here, and i am praying it'll stay. i was ranting to B about the [incident] when i reread my words and recognized what i was working with. i won't elaborate in a public space since i don't really think it helps me. but i'm taking small moments to try and think through why all this has made me feel this way and how i've ended up feeling everything i do lately. there is obviously a lot more to work through but i am thankful that i am beginning to see a small twinkle representing a light at the end of it all again.

good things from today:
- i opened the gifts from M and it somehow helped me feel a lot, lot better. i think i've always been more fond of gifting than receiving (i can't handle the pressure of reacting) but somehow it just helped me click in my head, seeking and finding small moments that will still be able to give me some satisfaction. i'm starting to have a good time romanticizing small tidbits of my life again. i like the way the soft hazy lights look in my room at night.
- E got me a skims dress. i look skinny and curvy in it. it reminded me of that dream i had a couple of days ago, where the tall guy chose me as a token partner in some games.
- i held and cut a big french loaf today. i don't know what it is about the beauty of food and ingredients, but it was just so nice and pretty and filled me with so much joy. the smell, how big it was, its cool crust...

maybe i'll do my nails soon. maybe i'll go off to the desert by myself for a couple days.

03.15.2023

good things from today:
- 3 packages from M arrived today. i didn't expect her to remember my birthday at all, much less send 3 entire things. it softened up my hardened heart a little bit. debating on whether or not i should save them for all at once or ration them as incentives.
- i'm starting to finish setting up my work area. there's a lot more empty space to plan for, which always fills me with a little excitement.
- i picked some basil leaves for breakfast that were almost the size of my hands. it sounds stupid (and pretentious somehow?) but vegetables and herbs are so, so beautiful.


it was a day where it felt harder to appreciate the good things without letting the bad win over. so it makes all the more sense to list out the good. good night big world.

03.14.2023

drove under the sky that looked straight out of MIT's untourable album, while listening to untourable album. i know it wasn't just a biased connection because E mentioned the same thing, calling it the "tree among shrubs" album. out of all the songs to remember in that album...

good from today: i worked with the windows open and listened to the rain all day. the coffee from yesterday is still good chilled. i listened to ichiko aoba and rei harakami. i took a shower that wasn't frustrating to take.

random thought:
- i feel a slight pang of regret thinking about how i didn't buy tickets for the upcoming iglooghost (or HANL) show , but i can't stand leaving the house lately and even moreso going all the way out to the city (alone) and watching a show for 3-4 hours (alone) feels anymore. the recent realization that all these experiences i envisioned full of joy and life as a teenager are ultimately empty without company as an adult makes me feel hollow inside and like i'm not interested in even attempting to do these things anymore.

i am scared of starting PT tomorrow... [ goofy in pool . gif]

03.13.2023

gachas did not fill as much of my void as i thought it would˙◠˙

monitor has been reduced to 1, clock finally features right time again. E bought hot coffee instead of iced today. i am feeling the impact of dst.

a good thing from today: im enjoying the change the standing desk brings to my room. it makes the space feel airier somehow, even though it's not done being set up from the chaos. i stood and had my nori ochazuke while i stared outside the window, watching the sun shine happily in, listening to the owls hoot. it made me remember the times i used to lay down on the cool, tile flooring in my previous home and look outside our lush, green backyard, watching the trees sway softly, enjoying the peace in that moment. it was nice to be conscious of a moment away from a screen.

i don't want to go to physical therapy on wednesday... [crying baby head on cat body. jpg]

03.11.2023

gacha coming so fast, on monday૮₍ ꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ ₎ა
mizunos broken on 1.19.3 so minecraft page will hve to come later but im putting together my standing desk today nd im so excited to get my monitors stacked and free up a lot of desk space i have!! having 3 monitors takes up a stupid amount of space and tbh i always hated how Male Redditor Battlestation it looked. it's been raining here again and it fills me with so much peace and happiness.

03.10.2023

i have 10 different gacha keychains + a pack of like 20 tiny cellphones on the way im so excited ૮₍ ꒦ິ꒳꒦ີ ₎ა
i think i'm going to try and get the minecraft page up this weekend!!!!